About all I can get out now is that I’m exhausted, physically somewhat but moreso emotionally. I hit so many brick walls today and came out on top only slightly – call it a series of Pyrrhic victories, if you will.
I have to play divide-and-conquer with my eighth graders; one student is turning the class against me, and it’s getting uglier by the day.
I had a student almost defy me entirely when I gave an instruction that wasn’t entirely pleasing to them, only backing down after I demonstrated that I wasn’t (going to back down, that is). I knew what I needed to do next, but it fortunately didn’t come to that. This student is frankly brilliant as well, and I would have been far more disappointed if it had gone any further.
And now I have to plan for tomorrow, and I’m not overly thrilled about the material for the juniors or overly confident in my ability to come up with an activity or some sort of plan that will engage the students in the material well. The eighth graders have a test, fortunately, but I’m starting to wonder about whether or not they’re really prepared. And the seniors…well, I’m hoping that we can cover the material with as little distraction as possible, but I’m thinking that’s a pipedream.
I feel like I’m in bad shape. I’m not really seeing the progress that I should be seeing and desperately want to see, and that makes me feel like a failure. Worse, three classes of the students really do seem to dislike me greatly (the juniors don’t really have any problems with me, thankfully), and that does get to me somewhat despite not wanting to take the whole thing personally.
I’m worried about my teaching – not because I think that I can’t teach (I think I can) or that I don’t have the passion (I most certainly do) but because I don’t know if I can handle it. And that really scares me, mostly because I have been so sure that teaching is my true vocation. I’m not giving up, but I would absolutely be lying if I said that there weren’t doubts flying through my mind at the speed of light.
Tomorrow will be another day – I must tell myself that. I have to continue, and I have to make the best out of the situation. And so, doubts in mind, I will muster on ahead, hoping that tomorrow will lay some of those fears to rest.